Not Enough.

I wish it didn’t taste
so bitter on my tongue
I wish I didn’t waste
All the smiles proudly sung
I wish I deserved you
and could feel what I should feel
I wish I didn’t unnerve you
and could accept what is as real

I don’t want this pain
Nor should you grow within it
You shouldn’t know disdain
Or this home I’ve created in it
This roof is made of tomorrow
Of many promises broken
This bed holds cries of sorrow
And words that should never be spoken

I’m sorry I am who I am
And I can’t become un-me
I’m sorry I can’t program
A better life for you to see
I won’t make up false stories
because hope is an ugly affliction
I won’t fill you with glories
that show some shiny depiction

I will give you all that I hold
Which may be little, but it is true
Whatever you may be told
Please know, I love you
I wish those words held more
Or overshadowed the lacking of me
But I feel them to my core
And giving you more is my only plea.

I love you is not enough.

Shitty & Bad.

Impatiently I pour
into water warm & stagnant
I just don’t have the time.

Hurry, we’re late
and I can’t wait for fresh brew
Or for exchanges to be but brief & few

Red lights heating up
my let’s go flesh
Fingers strangled by seat’s mesh
I just don’t have the time.

Car idle & warm
Too early, must wait.
Inhale relief, exhale regret
Just in time to bid bye irate.

You must be teaching me
Patience, calm
I can’t do it. All I do
I do all wrong.

Why do you do this –
Make my time stand still
for such little thrill?
Why when I’m empty, do you choose me to fill?

I don’t deserve you,
you and your disciplined, divided attention
I like to think of it as mine.
You know you can always,
always, always kill my time.

Purge.

A peaceful interior –
molded by erosion
and feeling inferior
to one with insides frozen –
resides within her;
She’s fullest when she’s empty.

The graceless girl –
closing all the windows,
frantically seeking your disappointment –
she takes no enjoyment in the pain
but it makes her feel she’s home,
neighboring houses of acceptably sane.

Cracking the door, unhooking the chain
You’re either outside or locked in
to feel her within,
to be forced to drown in her dead skin
that she sheds unapologetically all over your fraudulent willingness to care.
You could at least hold back her hair
and ignore the vomit at your feet.

Spit

Drop me
Drop me
Don’t even squeeze me goodbye
Just stick around long enough
to hear the screech
and see the splatter
Don’t forget
To lean over
and spit.

Lick.

I don’t know you
but I feel you
pervasively penetrating
my every thought.
Far flung
still holding me hung
deftly demonstrating
my weakest spot.

Covert. Concealed.
I don’t know what to do
but keep you, steady,
keep me keeping you
I taste you on my tongue
I would swallow this piquant poison
if not for my need
to lick your every word.

Internal Discourse

You love
tormenting me,
making me full
and leaving me empty again.
Shaking me up
so you have
someone to pacify.

You love
letting me latch.
I’m yours, securely attached
enough for you to see the terror in my eyes
when you cut the ties.

You love
being everything
and nothing
for anyone who’s got the time,
bathing in the suffering of the climb,
and aching on the nasty fall back down.

You love
The beautiful misery
and the pain that makes you feel alive.
But, when will you have bled enough
to finally get some rest?

Fearwell

The safest place
you’ll ever be
is all alone.
Without a trace
they can leave you
and make you never known.

The only way
to be freely me
is on my own.
The safest face
I’ll never see
will stay unknown.

The safest place
you’ll ever be
is all alone.

Open the door
and let them go.

Disposable.

I’ve spent nearly a decade
building a life
I never wanted.

It wasn’t until we could almost grasp it
that I found
it was never mine.

Will I be haunted –
haunted by this life
I created and disposed of
so unregretfully?

I hope so.
If I were him, I’d want to haunt me, too.

Stupid Again

It’s closing in.
You’ve waited too long
to let it out;
It’s flooding in.

Wearing thin
the sturdy shield
that held too much faith.
You knew – you knew
It could never keep you safe.

But you’re so damn sharp.
Such mastery of
predictive maintenance –
notation of cautionary flares –
proven fallacious.
You know it wears.

It’s closing in.
Stupid girl,
you closed it in again.

Nineteen & Six

It feels like I missed it
The curious little smiles
hands open, teary cheeks
Always busy, rushing aisles

How’d you become this
It seems all on your own
So bold, so brave, up and away
you have quickly flown

Your empathy, your whole.
You always do surprise.
Hearing your own bad news
But wiping Mommy’s eyes.

So fierce, so strong
Stoic little mess
Pierced by nature’s laws
I will proudly confess

I hope you need me forever.