Wholly Holey

Rosy Pink Streamers
flowing from your fingertips
Tracing Blemishes of Today
kissing them goodnight.

Stricken & Angry Body Bags
hanging from your weary arms
Holding Them Low & Mercilessly
bidding them goodnight.

Soft & Sweet Sunrises
timidly coaxing innocents
Placing Them With Pretense
agreeably masking all the stifled.

Painstaking Choices of Tungsten
boxed in souls that are bare
Created Only For Another
all that’s righteous must too be fair.

Exorbitant, Expired, Shuffled Dirt
for causes both definite and dignified
Doing Them In How You See Fit
god Forbid your name be vilified

Woman – Child – Woman

Woman
I am not
Still
Still
Still
Think about it a minute.

Child.
Just Lost.
Picked up again and again
Still
Still
Still
Searching for a home between bed sheets and slips of tongue.

Woman
I see her
Still
Still
Still
Lost in a moment of seeing herself.
Not to judge, but to be.

Young Girl
I’m so sorry.
You never had the chance to be
Still
Still
Still.
No one taught you anything
although I think you knew better.

Young Girl:
A woman’s mind
Embodied by a child
Rocking
Rocking
Rocking
Pleading for comfort
Pressurizing the mind into regression.

Mother
Lost inside herself
I can’t be you
Still
Still
Still
Come out and say the words
Before my mind progresses again.

Daughter
I see you
I know you as no one ever will
Stay still
still
still.
I’ll give you every word you’ll never need.

Child – Young Girl – Child
Even when you’re gone,
Stay still inside.
You will love you.
You will not stay still.
Your will, will, will
Better keep you
from woman – child – woman.

I love you the most.

Protracted.

Twenty Degrees:
the shape of it relieves.
Acutely stretching
the arm it retrieves.

Twenty Degrees
is all I gave you;
It’s all you needed
to feel me and take me, too.

Twenty Degrees –
Ligaments and all.
You took so much,
yet, I doubt you recall.

Twenty Degrees
opposing your obtuse reach.
Answering my cue for more, no,
never a need to beseech.

Twenty Degrees
I wish we were talking weather,
and that I could look you in the eyes
to say it’s been unseasonable, as I gouge the lifeless shits out of your empty fucking skull.

Cramp

I’ve got it all
right underneath my fingernails.
I can see it – feel it.
Everything in and around it all pales
to the grime that will soon wash away.

It will all go,
but, it’s nice to see the other side.
Colliding lives once again
Maybe one day you’ll see I tried
to do anything at all other than, well, try.

I won’t say I’m a shell;
I’m quite the opposite, really.
Transparent as far as I have chosen
Until vision reaches the stagnant cramp that is
me.

Back to the grime underneath my fingernails.
I think I’ll keep it there.

I’d Rather You

I dream of drowning
But not by choice
Circumstances surrounding
Me, taking my voice

Don’t blame me for not trying
Anymore. You didn’t see it.

I never once gave up
Beyond myself I chose internal hemorrhaging
Up to transfusion, to start it all again.

For all of you.
You’d never leave me to die.
I’m not sure who’s more selfish,
or which I’d rather you:
Relent or rely
on me, you can’t pick both.

Relent.



Decide.

Take me with you.
Feel my darkness.
Listen to the organ repertoire
and the nothingness in between the keys.

Take me with you.
Feel the cold wind
violating your cheeks.
This feeling is forever with me by your side.

Take me with you.
Decide if I’m worth losing your precious breath.
Mine? It’s already been taken.
Feel what it’s like to live breathlessly…

but you – you won’t be alone.

Take me with you.
Let me rest from the current
that’s pulled me to, from, to exhaustion.

I’m not dead yet.

Don’t Waste This.

Don’t waste it.
It’s here, right now.
Don’t waste it.

Don’t you fucking waste this.
You always do.
The hours – minutes – few;
simply, quickly, don’t think, just do.
Don’t you fucking waste this.

Don’t try and create this.
It’s already here, made for you.
This is what you wanted.
This is what you wanted,
it’s already here, just for you.

Enjoy it alone.
He left you.
Enjoy it alone.
He left you.
Enjoy it, you’ve grown;
you should know by now
it’s only you.

Fuck.

Tomorrow feels warm
but, I thought that yesterday.
All of nothing, in full form
All that I am anyway.
Fuck.

Go ahead;
waste your time –
pretend it’s mine.
At least you still make tomorrow feel warm.

You could dare
and warm up today
fuck, man.
All of your nothing in your nothing way
All that I am anyway;
Fuck.

Darkness Inside

Darkness inside,
come dance with me awhile.
Don’t you dare stand idly by –
we have falsity to defile.

Darkness inside,
lacerate today’s clothing
and dissipate today’s debris.
Get this shit off of me.

Darkness inside,
Wake me and make me whole again.
Extract the whites from my eyes.
Let the murk permeate within.

Darkness inside,
Shatter me into glass-like fragments
sharp, shapely, new.
Fill me with you.

Everyone Leaves & All Things Good are Fleeting – Journal Entry

Everyone leaves.
All things good are fleeting.
These things, I tell myself, are toxic thoughts; but, they have proven true again and again.

I have learned that to be good to yourself, you must:
– Trust less.
– Learn to restrain hope and expectations.
– Understand that endorphin release comes from many places; utilize the ones you can control yourself and be weary of the events controlled by others.
– Recognize that riding the spiral will erase all progress.
– Rely on yourself above all others.
– Know that fear is your friend – pain is growth.
– Have a back-up plan, always.
– Know your exits along with your limits.
– Stop giving yourself away – to anyone.

I want to be the one who leaves. But I would not be me without empathy – without unconditional, whole-hearted love for other beings.
I don’t want to be me.
I don’t want to love.